Break ups hurt like a b*tch. I'd probably rather get physically injured than deal with the emotional pain of a break up. There's no way to describe the pain, it's both physical and mental. It's a f*cking mess. The anxiety, the panic attacks, and the incredible fear of being alone are mentally consuming. Break ups are even more complicated when it's not a mutual break up, it's a one way break up with no return.
My boyfriend recently fell out of love with me. I was completely blind sided by the news. We'd been on and off since high school and I always thought he was the one. I surrounded my life decisions around him because a future with him was my top priority. It didn't matter where I worked or where I lived as long as he was by my side. I was ready for the wedding bells, a house in the suburbs (even though I'm a city girl), and maybe even a few kids down the road. I had this picture perfect image of where I'd be in the next 5 years and I think I got way too comfortable with that mirage.
I was very satisfied with our relationship. He made me happy, we cared deeply about each other, we lived together, we even had pets together. From the outside in, we were the epitome of #couplegoals. We were the high school sweet hearts who actually survived. Little did I know it was all a fraud.
I mean we definitely had our ups and our downs but I never saw any deal breakers. We had trust issues, we had fights, we had financial woes, but at the end of the day we had each other. We had a relationship of 7 plus years together. How could anyone just throw that kind of love, that kind of time, or that kind of investment away without looking back?
When he told me he didn't see a future with me I honestly felt as though I'd been conned. I had been fooled by a man I spent almost every waking second with. All those holidays, movie nights, family time, vacations, and weekend trips together and now you're now telling me it's over? I had always put his happiness ahead of my happiness and because of that, I don't know who I am without him.
My mom always told me you can't change the spots on a leopard. If he hurt you once, he'll hurt you again and he sure as hell hurt me again. And I regret letting him back into my life after the first time he hurt me. I regret revolving every decision around an unappreciative boyfriend. I regret trusting him. I regret putting him over my family, my friends, and my career. I regret rescuing him from every shady situation he got himself into. But most of all, I regret blaming myself for the failure of our relationship.
I may not have been the perfect girlfriend but I damn well tried. I gave him all I had, emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. And now I am left trying to solve the mystery. What went wrong? When did things go down the drain? Why do I still care? Was there always someone else? Why her? Why did you use me? Will I ever get closure? When will I be able to move on? Did you ever even love me?
These thoughts haunt me everyday but I know that time heals everything. My emotions right now may be raw and my wounds deep, but I know that I won't be damaged forever. It's finally time for me to find out who I am without my plus one.